What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
