Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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