Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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