I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
