I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
