My sheets look like a crime scene.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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