We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
