does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
