Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
