My sheets look like a crime scene.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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