life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
ok first of all what the fuck
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