Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
