those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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