my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
