i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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