At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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