he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
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