Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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