There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
