I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize