I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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