I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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