DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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