New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
