im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
