it wasn't lemon gatorade
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
