At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
