Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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