hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
