i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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