I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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