im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
