when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
