I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
