The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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