I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
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