there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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