i was born a porn star she said
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
