I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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