Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
