Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
