so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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