My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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