Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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