When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
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