just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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