direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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