I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
