he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
