A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I think I sprained my soul last night
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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